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19 August 2011
Darts all, Folks
Ben is approached by a man who...
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Ben is approached by a man who remembers his father as a great darts player and asked to join the local pub team. However he is rubbish and gets replaced by a girl so when Roger asks him to join his team he is happy to sign up - and to use unorthodox means to secure victory. He also exposes Susan's young 'French' personal trainer as an impostor.
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29 July 2011
Relationship Happens
Susan drags a reluctant Ben along to...
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Susan drags a reluctant Ben along to a Keep Your Marriage Fresh weekend,where his anarchy and their mutual antipathy get them thrown out by the hippie in charge. Back at the house Michael gets dumped by boyfriend Matt,who is anxious to get to know Janey better but she displays family loyalty by showing him the door.
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08 July 2011
Accusin' Susan
With Ben on a course Susan works late...
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With Ben on a course Susan works late at the art gallery with handsome young Chris,whose advances she spurns. Next day he accuses her of sexual harassment and she has to attend a course.Janey advises her on how to call his bluff but salvation comes via a far more bizarre reason. Michael confronts his old art teacher and accuses him of giving Kenzo poor grades because he himself did badly at school - until he sees Kenzo's paintings.
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01 July 2011
Labour Pains
Susan gets an audition as a presenter...
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Susan gets an audition as a presenter of a pre-school TV show alongside a puppet monkey after a producer hears her reading to children in the library. There is however one other applicant -Janey - resulting in dirty tricks and neither getting the job though Janey gets the consolation prize.Ben forms a union to protest against time cards being introduced at work so his boss forestalls threatened strike action by giving him an executive post with Cavitex,pitting him against his colleagues. When he sees that he has been used at least Ben does the right thing and resigns.
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24 December 2010
Mary Christmas
Whilst playing Santa at Susan's works...
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Whilst playing Santa at Susan's works Christmas party Ben becomes emotionally involved when a little girl asks him to reconcile her mother and grand-father,who have fallen out. He actually succeeds,winning rare praise from Susan for his efforts. The Harpers are less successful,though,when their lavish New year party, with fireworks,a band and food from T.V. chef Ainsley Harriott initially fails to poach guests from nasty neighbour Casey's glitzy annual event. Can recent dental patient Rolf Harris save the night with his presence or will the rocket literally go up? At least Susan and Ben see in the New Year presenting a united front.
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27 August 2010
Ben Behaving Badly
When Janey has to sit with a poorly...
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When Janey has to sit with a poorly Kenzo Ben volunteers to look after one of her elderly care clients,Harry,a man who seems to have been around but is not allowed out else he will go walkabout. However Harry encourages Ben to join him for a night on the town - leading to Ben's performing in a karaoke,getting a tattoo and picking up women. Roger, meanwhile, has a smashing time trying to forget Abi.
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13 August 2010
Slammertime
Whilst Susan is away Ben takes part...
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Whilst Susan is away Ben takes part in a police identity parade,where he is picked out as being a mugger and remanded in a cell with hard cases Carl and Terry. They hire their brief to get him released but later turn up at his house,wanting to lie low,along with Carl's wife Verity,who wants sex with Ben. To Ben's horror Carl wants to watch them,causing Ben to take drastic action - which gets him arrested again.
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30 July 2010
The Melbourne Identity
Craig,a young Australian,arrives at...
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Craig,a young Australian,arrives at the house,claiming his mother was at college with Ben and Susan lets him stay in exchange for doing some decorating. Initially irritated by him,Ben starts to worry when it looks as if Craig could be his illegitimate son,especially as the lad starts dating Janey. Clumsy efforts are made to obtain Craig's DNA though the biggest surprise comes from Susan.
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23 July 2010
Desperately Stalking Susan
Ben is appalled to discover that...
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Ben is appalled to discover that Martin,the benign elderly widower from next door, is besotted with Susan and has built a shrine to her in his kitchen. Whilst Ben has trouble persuading the police Martin ties Susan to a chair and proposes to her. Ben goes to her rescue but ends up tied to another chair so that Susan has to profess affection for Martin in order to free them.
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16 July 2010
The Son'll Come Out
Given that he used to have lots of...
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Given that he used to have lots of girl-friends,when Michael comes out as gay,Ben is perplexed but determined to be supportive. Susan is just annoyed that Michael told Ben first.Ben's pride in his son's sexuality leads to his proclaiming it to a new patient - who just happens to be the homophobic,bigoted father of Michael's boy-friend Scott. When he throws Scott out it's down to Susan to save the situation.
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09 July 2010
Wheelie Ben
When the council assume Ben is...
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When the council assume Ben is disabled and send him cheques he tries to return the money but the clerk won't listen and Rosemary,the gushing welfare visitor who comes to assess him,is too busy saying how brave she thinks he is,to let him get a word in edge ways. She even puts him forward for an award,which he goes to collect. And then the other Ben Harper,the really disabled one,turns up.
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02 May 2008
The Wax Job
Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel......
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Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room.
"My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on."
He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire."
Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time.
"He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network."
He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says.
He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says.
"Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer.
He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."
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26 December 2007
Ho Ho No
Susan treats Ben to a Christmas hotel...
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Susan treats Ben to a Christmas hotel break supposedly just for the two of them,but she has secretly invited other family members,including Alfie and his strange Uncle Idris and Michael's left-wing girl-friend Gwen. Abi is also working as the hotel's masseuse. Crystal,a patient besotted with Ben,arrives to say her jealous boy-friend has escaped from jail and is on his way to kill Ben. Fortunately he is caught but Ben still has to face the rest of the family,though all ends well in a room full of presents.
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08 June 2007
Life Begins at Fifty
Susan gets caught shop-lifting an...
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Susan gets caught shop-lifting an expensive pair of sun-glasses and is taken to court. Despite her protestations,Ben insists on defending her and putting her actions down to the female menopause. The lady judge is impressed by Ben's performance and dismisses the case. Whilst taking Kenzo to the park for Janey,Alfie meets a girl called Melanie and pretends Kenzo is his son to impress her. Janey is less taken with this idea.
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25 May 2007
Breaking Up Ain't Hard to Do
The Drapers are amongst the Harpers'...
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The Drapers are amongst the Harpers' oldest friends so Ben and Susan are amazed to learn that they are breaking up. However this leads to Ben and Susan having their own domestic argument. Janey gets Kenzo an audition in an advertisement for breakfast cereal but starts to feel guilty when she thinks that she never asked if he wanted to take part. In the event the job goes to her instead.
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18 May 2007
Abi Ever After
A party is held on the eve of Abi's...
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A party is held on the eve of Abi's wedding to Roger. Abi's mother gets drunk and tries to flirt with Ben whilst Michael and Alfie try to chat up the same girl. On the wedding day bridesmaid Janey gets dumped by her boyfriend over the phone and Abi has cold feet about getting married but Susan persuades her to go through with the wedding.
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11 May 2007
One of the Boys
Charlie Briggs,Ben's old student...
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Charlie Briggs,Ben's old student friend,is getting married but it's to a man because Charlie has had gender realignment and is now a woman. Charlie asks Ben to give her away but Ben is lost for words so Susan steps in instead. Roger's domineering mother arrives. She plans to buy Abi and Roger the house next to hers, an idea which appals Abi and Susan persuades Roger to talk her out of it for his bride's sake.
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27 April 2007
Dutch Art and Dutch Courage
Susan is accompanying millionaire...
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Susan is accompanying millionaire businessman James Garrett on an art- buying weekend and,due to an oversight,they must share a twin bedroom. Ben is jealous but without foundation. Michael has a university interview and Ben drives him there,stopping to buy him his first pint on the way. Unfortunately this causes Michael to be sick all over the interviewer.
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20 April 2007
Once More with Feeling
As Abi and Roger plan for their...
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As Abi and Roger plan for their wedding day,Susan announces to Ben that she has arranged for them to retake their vows. Unfortunately it's on the same day that Ben has directors' box ticket for a football match.Ben tries to come up with an excuse but is accidentally rumbled by Kenzo and stopped from seeing the match by Susan. Janey dates the vicar to get Kenzo into the local church school. He is put off by Susan's intervention but agrees to the admission anyway.
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13 April 2007
Four Affairs and a Funeral
Elderly patient Henry Phillips dies...
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Elderly patient Henry Phillips dies of natural causes in Ben's surgery,having confessed to Ben that he has a much younger wife Celia and a much younger mistress Stacey. Ben goes to comfort the widow but is mindful that he must keep the two women apart,in which capacity he goes to the old man's funeral. Susan,however,starts to suspect that her husband may be having the affair and,armed with her new mobile phone that takes photographs,follows him.
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06 April 2007
The Ego Has Landed
The Harpers re-encounter the Mortons,...
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The Harpers re-encounter the Mortons, a couple they met on holiday,and go to dinner with them. To Ben's surprise - and a good massaging of his ego - the couple ask him to be a sperm donor so that they can try I.V.F. treatment. However,when his results come through,they prove that he has no reason to crow. Janey is annoyed to find that Mark,Kenzo's long-absent father who has come back into the picture,has been married for two years without telling her and expects Kenzo to greet his 'new mummy'.
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28 April 2006
The Art of Being Susan
Ben's away for the week, and Susan's...
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Ben's away for the week, and Susan's mother comes to help... or torment; love hits several of the family in different forms as Michael processes a break-up, Roger screws up his courage to ask a question, and Susan and Grace manage to find admirers.
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24 December 2004
Glad Tidings We Bring
Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel......
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Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room.
"My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on."
He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire."
Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time.
"He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network."
He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says.
He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says.
"Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer.
He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."
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18 June 2004
Going Dental
Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel......
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Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room.
"My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on."
He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire."
Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time.
"He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network."
He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says.
He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says.
"Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer.
He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."
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21 May 2004
While You Weren't Sleeping
Because of Ben's snoring, Susan can't...
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Because of Ben's snoring, Susan can't sleep. She tells him to use some devices that might help. Unfortunately, they don't, and Ben keeps snoring like a madman. When one night, after a fight, Susan sleeps on the couch, she's found her paradise: She slept like a little baby. Ben is happy too because of all the extra space in bed and they decide to keep sleeping apart. This makes Abby think Ben and Susan have marital problems and she even thinks it's her fault.
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21 March 2003
Fitting Punishment
Jimmy Fallon arrives to host the...
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Jimmy Fallon arrives to host the Emmys in a tiny tiny Smart car. He's carrying his tux and runs into the Glee folk out front. They tell him they can't afford to go to the Emmys and an intro premise is born. They'll put on a fundraiser. They run into Tina Fey. She's in!They run into Kate Gosselin. Awkward pause. They tell her they've got too many people - and then go for more people. They run into Jon Hamm practicing his dance moves with his instructor - Betty White. Then Jane Lynch (Sue Sylvester from Glee) gives them a slushie in the face -- and wants in.Walk down the hall to Springsteen's "Born to Run" with Jorge Garcia (Hurley from Lost), Joel McHale and company singing. Tim Gunn arrives to put on the finishing touches.They take the stage in "Glee" red and black gear and Jimmy takes the mike doing his best Bruce. (It's not bad.) Randy Jackson joins him to jam. Hamm and Fey ham it up dancing. Big smiles from the audience.Out of breath, Jimmy starts his monologue, which quickly segues into him strumming a guitar. He's wearing tux top and jeans bottom."NBC asking the host of late night to come to Los Angeles to host a different show, what could possibly go wrong?" (Zing! Conan reference - cut to Conan, big cheers. Conan salutes.)Jimmy grabs Amy Poehler from the front row to sing.Jimmy: "The first category is comedy."Amy: "You're doing great so far...."Jimmy: "I've been drinking since three."Screens descend from the stage and we watch a montage of the nominees.Jon Hamm and Betty White are the first presenters. Hamm: "I may be only speaking for myself, but how about our sexual chemistry during that opening number?"White: "How about our sexual chemistry back in that quick change room?"(Awkward but enthusiastic randy-old-lady laughter.)The nominees for best supporting actor in a comedy series are introduced. The winner is... Eric Stonestreet from "Modern Family."He says all he wanted to be when he was a kid was a clown. (They cut to his co-star an on-screen boyfriend Jesse Tyler Ferguson in the audience and he's openly crying.) He gives a shout out to his mom in the audience and dad at home, telling them they get to keep the Emmy.John Hodgman introduces himself as our backstage color commentator.On stage, Jimmy explains the concept of having people submit intros for presenters via Twitter. The first two aren't exactly home runs. One says Jim Parsons of "The Big Bang Theory" is "bringing nerdy back" and Sofia Vergara of "Modern Family" is "beautiful."Somewhere Bruce Vlanch thinks his day job is safe.Jim introduces a bit that asks comedy writers when they first got a laugh. Christopher Lloyd and Steve Levitan of "Modern Family" do a take-off on the Old Spice commercial, on a horse. They also win."It is absolutely mind blowing to think that just two short years ago "Modern Family" was just an idea Chris and I had when we were out riding our horse...." Levitan begins. He thanks ABC and the cast and their spouses."I also want to thank our wives, without whom, well, we'd probably be dating around a lot."Stephen Colbert is up next and says hello to the ladies, and the women. He's presenting supporting actress in a comedy. He explains that he's not one of those guys who thinks gals can't be funny. Just look at John Travolta in "Hairspray," or Dustin Hoffman in "Tootsie," and don't forget Tom Hanks in "Bosom Buddies."Cut to Tom in the audience. Stephen says: "Madam, you still look lovely as ever. How do you keep your figure?" He introduces the nominees. The winner is... Jane Lynch.She thanks her parents for being so unintentionally hilarious. She raves about her ensemble and says she rarely identifies herself as anything, "I'm like a Buddhist in that way - although I'm not a Buddhist, they do seem like a very calm people," but she is an actor and feels compelled to do it. She thanks her "Lord and Creator Ryan Murphy."She throws out an "I love you" to her cast and wife.Lauren Graham and Matthew Perry are out next. (Jimmy's intro somehow involves Teddy Grahams.) They introduce guest actor and actress in a comedy series, awarded last week. Betty White won for "SNL" and Neil Patrick Harris for "Glee."On to directing in a comedy series. The winner is... Ryan Murphy for "Glee."He dedicates his award to all of his teachers, "who taught me to sing and finger paint."The "Modern Family" cast hearing pitches for how to improve their show from the new head of ABC. One involves a cross-racial adoption by Cam of Stewie from "Family Guy," Sofia Vergara in 3D, the next are worth finding on YouTube... including one that has Julie Bowen saying she was sad when a tree fell on Phil and killed him, but when his brother showed up at the funeral....pan over to the brother... George Clooney, sitting on a couch with Julie Bowen. The cast runs with the idea, cut to George with Sofia Vergara. Then with Eric and Jesse.Next up, best actor in a comedy series. The winner is... Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory."He thanks his costars, director, writers and production studio.Last year's host Neil Patrick Harris takes a moment to thank the Academy for allowing a gay man to host the show two years in a row. He tells Jimmy he's doing a great job.NPH introduces the best actress in a comedy nominees. The winner is...Edie Falco for "Nurse Jackie.""This is just the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened in the history of this lovely awards show. I'm not funny!"Back to Jimmy in the audience with a guitar and a Kardashian. They introduce reality TV and some highlights.Will Arnett and Keri Russell, stars of "Running Wilde," present best reality show. But first, Will reads some prose from a piece of paper: "My Favorite Part of a Woman,' by Will Arnett. 'Oh luscious mounds...'"Keri tells him they cut that part.They introduce the nominees. And the winner is... "Top Chef"! The first time "Amazing Race" hasn't won since the category was created. Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons are there with the producers.Back to Jimmy and the guitar.Jimmy: "I cry sometimes when I watch these shows."Julianna Marguiles: "I cried when they announced you as the host."Slap fight leading into the drama category. Roll clips. Cheers for 24, Lost...Jimmy introduces Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni: "Earlier, these stars of Law & Order: SVU teamed up to save the most special victim of all: the 10 p.m. time slot on NBC."The introduce writing for a drama series. The winner is: Matthew Weiner and Erin Levy for "Mad Men."Erin thanks her dad who was also a writer and says she also has to really thank Matt. He agrees that she does.On to best supporting actor in a drama, which includes the last shot for Losties Terry O'Quinn and Michael Emerson. The winner is: Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad."He marvels at the size of the audience, thanks the voters, his show creator and co-star Bryan Cranston.Back to Jimmy and the Tweets, including one from @SamuelLPaxton who says presenter Nathan Fillion is "straight off the meat rack, yo."He introduces supporting actress in a drama. The winner is Archie Punjabi from "The Good Wife."She thanks everyone with the network and show in her native London accent. "To everyone who voted for me, this is just amazing for my career, thank you so very much."Edie Falco is back out to introduce best actor in a drama. The winner is... Bryan Cranston of "Breaking Bad." (A total shut out for the men of "Lost" in the acting category.) It's Cranston's third win.He tells his fellow nominees he's honored to be mentioned with them. He shouts out to his wife and daughter, "I love you more than baseball."The Emmy Show Clock shows us we're running 2 minutes over. The stars of NBC's new "Undercovers" introduce the nominees for guest actor and actress in a drama series. The winners were John Lithgow for "Dexter" and Ann-Margaret for "Law & Order: SVU."They're up to hand out the next award. (Yes, Ann-Margret still looks amazing.)
They're presenting outstanding directing for a drama series. The winner is...Steve Shill for "Dexter," giving Lithgow to correct thanking HBO instead of Showtime when he won his guest Emmy.The Emmy ticker tells us George Clooney will be up in 17 minutes.And now, a musical tribute to three shows we lost this year. Jimmy sits on the stage at a pink piano in full Elton John gear and croons good-bye to "24" to the tune of "Candle in the Wind."Sample lyric: "I would like to thank you for all the torturing/ and Jack and Chloe and CTU/and the first black president."Then on to Boyz II Men's "Hard to Say Goodbye" for "Law & Order," and Green Day and "Time of Your Life" for "Lost": "The island was mythical, but in the end they died/I didn't understand it but I tried."Tina Fey and Matthew Morrison introduce best actress in a drama.Matthew: "This year's outstanding nominees for best actress in a drama all have one thing in common, they are..."He says "beautiful" as Tina says "terrifying," then corrects herself for laughs.The winner is Kyra Sedgwick. She kisses Kevin Bacon and takes the stage. It's her first Emmy. She asks Tina to hold her Emmy so she can read from her notes. She thanks TNT and the crew, the cast and quotes Kevin saying "Let's all be good to each other.'Back on the guitar in the audience.Jimmy: "The people in this category are funny and talented."Stephen Colbert: "It's an honor to get nominated, just like Jimmy Fallon did."Jimmy: "Stephen, I wasn't nominated."Stephen: "It's still an honor."Jimmy: "I wouldn't know."Stephen: "Trust me."Variety. Roll clips of Dave, Jon Stewart and a good amount of Conan, the Olympics, Haiti Telethon, etc...Joel McHale and Jeff Probst introduce writing for a variety special."Writers is good. Them makes we two look good spoken," McHale says.The Emmy goes to the 63rd Annual Tony Awards. Dave Boone thanks NPH for hosting.The ticker tells us we're 4 1/2 minutes from Ricky Gervais.Jimmy introduces him: "I used to think this next guy was a fat, rude, loudmouth Brit. But now, he's lost a bit of weight.""I'm saving the really offensive stuff for the Golden Globes," Ricky says. He riffs on the lack of alcohol and says there's no one scary here, like Mel Gibson. He stops himself, saying he's not going to have a go at him. "He's been through a lot... not as much as the Jews."Then he asks who wants a beer and has waiters bring out beers on trays for people in the front row. "The Office is in syndication, those are on me."Directing for Variety is next. Ricky says he hopes the winner is Bucky Gunts (for the Olympics) "because I didn't know you could say that on television... let's face it, we're all Bucky Gunts here..."Ricky introduces the winner: Bucky Gunts!Then, on to outstanding variety, music or comedy series, the noteworthy nominee here being "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien."And the winner is..."The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," who isn't there, but not because he's appearing on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew," the producer tells us.The CEO of the Academy comes out to introduce the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award, going this year to George Clooney, only the fourth time it has been given. His "ER" costar Julianna Marguiles introduces him, saying he was a driving force behind "America: A Concert for Heroes," "Tsunami Aid: A Concert of Hope" and "Hope for Haiti Now."He comes out to standing ovation, over his objections. "Don't do that because then I feel like maybe I'm sick and don't know it," he says. He says Bob was a friend of his aunt Rosemary Clooney and represents the best version of celebrity. "It's important to remember how much can get done, because we live in such strange times where bad behavior sucks up all the attention in the press."He makes a plea for attention to stay on disasters even after the cameras have gone.More Jimmy with a guitar. He kneels next to Hanks.Jimmy: "The Pacific nominated for two dozen awards/ better break the news to Spielberg, you're running out of wars. Mini-series and movies!"Clips roll.January Jones and John Krasinski introduce supporting actor in a miniseries or movie. The winner is Julia Ormand for "Temple Grandin.""I got so thrilled an excited I told my mom I was 'emanated' for a 'Nomy'," she says.Claire Danes is up next to present supporting actor in a mini-series or movie. The winner is David Strathairn, who co-stared with Danes in "Temple Grandin."He raves about teachers and Temple Grandin and we see her waving in the audience.Then on to Jewel, who tells us she wrote the song "Shape of You" for a friend who passed away from cancer. It's the Memoriam segment, including Art Linkletter, Soupy Sales, Jean Simmons, Peter Graves, Robert Culp, Corey Haim, Andrew Koenig, Gary Coleman, Rue McClanahan, Captain Phil Harris, Dixie Carter, Lynn Redgrave, Lena Horne, Dennis Hopper.Maury Tierney and Blair Underwood present writing for mini-series or movie. The Emmy goes to Adam Mazer for "You Don't Know Jack."He urges people to talking about the end of life debate. "Jack Kevorkian, I'm so glad you're my friend, but I'm even more grateful you're not my physician."Then lead actress in a mini-series or movie. The winner is Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."She thanks HBO and Temple, who cheerfully stands up and waves again from the audience.Welcome the cast of "True Blood." It's apparently getting late in the show, Jimmy introduces them, saying they really "suck."But the intro bit runs with it.Stephen Moyer: "By an obscure and ancient Emmy bylaw we are now required to make at least one vampire pun while presenting the next award."Alexander Skarsgard: "Stephen, don't - this is going to be quite painful. Allow me: It is now our bloody thrill-Moyer: "Brilliant."Skarsgard: "It was worse than I thought - to present the next award for outstanding directing for a miniseries or movie."The winner is: Mick Jackson for Temple Grandin.Back to the vamps. Skarsgard thanks Ricky Gervais for the non-alcoholic beer.They introduce best actor for mini-series or movie. The winner is: Al Pacino for "You Don't Know Jack."He says it was a pleasure to know Kevorkian (who is in the audience). He thanks everyone and doesn't get played off stage because, well, he's Al Pacino.Laurence Fishburne introduces the nominees for outstanding miniseries. The winner is "The Pacific." Tom Hanks accepts and thanks HBO.The award for made-for-tv-movie goes to "Temple Grandin."The executive producer gets bear-hugged by her autistic subject mid-speech.Jimmy tells us there are two awards left. "You know the next presenter from the hit series "Magnum PI," but I know him as...my real father. Tom Selleck, everybody. Dad, come on out!"Jimmy hugs a startled Selleck to fully sell the bit. He introduces the best drama nominees. "Mad Men" wins its third in a row."So where was I?" Matt Weiner begins as he picks up his writer speech where he got cut off.
He thanks the cast and AMC and wraps up quickly.Ted Danson is out to wrap things up with the nominees for best comedy series. The winner is: Modern Family. (The camera manages not to cut immediately to Tina Fey.)Steven Levitan thanks his amazing cast "who makes us forget how much we hate writing, every day." He thanks their writing staff. "Chris and I get so much credit for what is often their amazing work and I just want to say: that's Hollywood, dude."And there you have it. Jimmy wraps up, popping champagne and shouting, "After-party at Betty White's house!"
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12 December 2002
One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest
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21 November 2002
A Handful of Dust
It's Ben's birthday and nobody has...
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It's Ben's birthday and nobody has bought him a gift. Susan does have a surprise for him however; Janey comes over for the weekend and takes along her friend. When this friend turns out to be a lesbian, Ben ánd Susan are surprised and Ben doesn't have time to think about his forgotten birthday anymore; he and Susan are desperately trying to figure out if Janey is gay or not. Nick has a new job which involves him getting in a gorilla outfit.
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10 October 2002
The Second Greatest Story Ever Told
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30 November 2001
Breakable
Nick's decision to form a Motorcycle...
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Nick's decision to form a Motorcycle Stunt Display Team leads to him winding up in hospital with numerous injuries. However, he soon enjoys being able to call a nurse at the press of a button! Meanwhile Susan decides that Ben needs to tell Nick that he loves him.
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02 November 2001
'Tis Pity She's a Whore
When Susan's mother invites her to...
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When Susan's mother invites her to visit she sends Janey instead. However, while she's there, she learns of the prostitute in Susan's family. Meanwhile, Ben is determined to make a stand for the Harper family and decides to contribute a bench to the park.
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26 October 2001
Get Cartier
Ben fears for his life when he...
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Ben fears for his life when he becomes dentist to the mob but Susan doesn't seem to mind. Her opinion changes, however, on seeing Michael selling off the mob's gifts by phone. Meanwhile, it's their anniversary, and Susan's determined to find what Ben bought her.
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19 October 2001
Age of Romance
Susan is disapproving of Nick's new...
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Susan is disapproving of Nick's new girlfriend, Amanda, and invites her to dinner to express her feelings on the matter. Things become heated, however, when Susan realizes that she's married! Meanwhile, Michael has a new computer, and Janey feels neglected.
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12 October 2001
I Second That Emulsion
Susan decides to redecorate the...
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Susan decides to redecorate the living room but cannot settle on a colour. As Ben becomes increasingly infuriated by the repeated indecision, Nick has taken up a piano tuning business, and Janey's relationship with Stupid Brian is frowned upon by her parents.
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21 September 2001
Trust Never Sleeps
When Susan finds that Janey doesn't...
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When Susan finds that Janey doesn't trust her, she lets her have a teenage party alone while she is in Oxford with Ben. However the two lose confidence and return, only to be trapped in their bedroom when the guests arrive. When Ben needs to use the toilet, and the one in their bedroom is broken, things only get worse!
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14 September 2001
Parisian Beauty
Janey invites a French Exchange...
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Janey invites a French Exchange student so she can travel to Paris, but when Sylvie arrives, Ben soon comes to the conclusion that she wants to have sex with him. Meanwhile Michael is forced to stay in Nick's room and comes out looking and behaving identically to him.
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07 November 2000
Much Ado About Ben
Ben is rushed to hospital after...
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Ben is rushed to hospital after turning white and is forced to reveal that he took Viagra. Placed on a low-carb diet, he turns to Brigitte's guru for help. Meanwhile, Susan's yoga teacher has fallen out with her husband and the class takes place in the Harpers' house.
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