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16 January 2012
A Possum on Chemo
Zoey tries to coerce Walden into...
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Zoey tries to coerce Walden into cutting his hair and shaving. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey rekindle their relationship.
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02 January 2012
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
When Walden's ex-wife and his mother...
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When Walden's ex-wife and his mother try to take control of his company, he tries to enlist Alan as an ally.
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12 December 2011
One False Move, Zimbabwe!
"Two and a Half Men" - "One False...
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"Two and a Half Men" - "One False Move, Zimbabwe!" - Dec. 12, 2011Walden wakes Zoey up by um, putting his head under the covers. She likes this. He hands her a gift. She protests they weren't exchanging gifts. He presses it on her saying she gave him a nice gift the previous evening. She opens the box: it's a key to his house. She thinks it's sweet but premature. She hops up saying she has to pick up her daughter and her parents. Walden says with her parents in town and his mom visiting and it being Christmas it would be a great time for everyone to get to know each other. From the bathroom she explains they're still getting to know each other. He claims he knows her. She asks him the color of her eyes. He says brown with one have a slight fleck of green and that she is a size four not two and that she runs water in the bathroom to cover the sound of her peeing. She curses. She still says no family this Christmas, kisses him and leaves. He happily notes she took the key. She opens the door and tosses him the key.Later that day, Berta is leaving. Walden says his mom is on her way up from San Diego. Berta notes the mistletoe on his Santa hat. He kisses her on the cheek. She tells him they make belt buckles with mistletoe. He says "really?" She tells him to check his stocking. He then gives her a Christmas bonus of three weeks pay and another kiss. She's disappointed he didn't put on the belt.Walden, Jake, and Alan all speak to their moms. Walden explains to his that she can't meet his new girlfriend. Jake plays his mom and says he's on his way to Alan's and tells Alan he's at the ski lodge with his mom. Alan suggests hanging with his mom, she says she'd rather get laid.Later as they're decorating Walden gloats about how it's going to be a great Christmas since he has a new girlfriend, his mother's coming, and he went to the Apple store and bought himself fun new gadgets and Alan grumbles about lack of a girlfriend, that his mother's also coming--wherever she is-- and he went to the grocery story and bought an apple. He tells Walden about his Christmas ritual with Charlie: Charlie would drink a gallon of eggnog and try to throw him out at gunpoint. Fun. Walden invites Alan to Christmas with him and his mom and points out that they're about the same age so if Alan married her he'd be Walden's new dad. Alan wonders how old Walden thinkls he is. 60? He says he's 44.Walden's mom Robin, arrives. He introduces Alan and shows off his fabulous pad. Alan like the looks of Robin. At dinner she asks if they're dating. Alan says it's more Butch and Sundance than Brokeback Mountain. She says it's a strange set up, a 33 year old living with a 60 year old. Alan says he's 44. Walden explains the situation. She says that's just like him since, as a boy, he brought home sick, helpless animals all the time.Alan asks what she does. She's a primatologist. She has a private gorilla sanctuary thanks to Walden's largesse. She says she raised Walden and a gorilla named Magilla together for the first four years of his life. Walden had thought he was imaginary. She shows them pictures. It's all starting to come back to Walden now, playing together and stuff and being told he was his brother. They sent him away when Magilla tried to kill a Jehovah's Witness. Walden is freaked out. His mom tells him to calm down. He tells her he spent his childhood worried that if he misbehaved he'd be sent to the jungle like Magilla "one false move, Zimbabwe!" She says she never knew he felt like that. He says she was too busy to notice since she was doing her experiments and storms out. Alan turns to her and shrugs and says "Kids. So, you seeing anybody?"Robin calls and leaves Walden a message on his cellphone. Alan is rethinking his gift to Walden: a bathrobe with sock monkeys on it. Robin worries Alan thinks he's a bad mom. He compares her to Evelyn and they both realize she's not so bad. Robin does say that she stored Walden's embryo in a cryogenic chamber until Magilla's mother got pregnant so they could be born at the same time. Alan calls a flag on the play. She says they needed to be born at the same time for the experiments to work, it was for science and she didn't tell her husband. Alan wonders what she learned. Her son is smarter than a gorilla.Walden gets drunk and goes to Zoey's. He tries to explain about his gorilla brother. She tries to say it's bad time and her veddy proper parents come and say hello. Walden asks her mother if she'd raise her child with a wild beast. She says she doesn't know, she has cross-bred orchids. Zoey is confused and asks what happened. He says his entire life is a lie. He says the reason he tries so hard to give her multiple orgasms is because he's afraid if he doesn't she'll banish him to Central Africa. Her mother points out that Zoey's father and she have traveled often to Africa, but she can't say that her husband has ever given her multiple orgasms.Robin calls Walden again and explains to Alan that this is what Walden did as a child, sulk away, climb a tree and beat on his chest and bellow at her. He asks if this reminds her of anyone. Yes, she says, his father. Zoey calls and tells Alan that Walden is drunk and has climbed on her roof. He hangs up, tells Robin and then asks if she wants to go to a movie. She calls him crazy and says they have to go get Walden.They head over to Zoey's roof. Alan, tremulously, climbs up to join him, mostly to impress Robin. Alan says they can't keep blaming their mothers for how their lives turned out and he points out that he knows what it's like to lose a brother and also, that his brother tried to kill a Jehovah's Witness once too. He was hung over and they just kept ringing the bell. An LAPD helicopter arrives, shines light on them and tells them to get off the roof. Walden begins gesticulating towards it like...a gorilla (like King Kong). A crowd gathers at the base of Zoey's building. Zoey emerges and she and her parents meet Robin. They say Walden is a charming young man but are confused that he thinks he's the brother of a monkey. Jake and his friend, very stoned, wander by eating pizza. Jake says he thinks that's his dad on the roof. His friend concurs and then asks if Jake wants to get some frozen yogurt. Jake does.He eventually comes down and Robin takes him and Alan to see Magilla at the sanctuary she runs. Alan tells her she's the perfect mom and woman. She tells him to give it a rest. Walden goes in and "speaks" to Magilla, via sign language. They have a slow motion hug reunion and then Magilla tickles him.
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05 December 2011
What a Lovely Landing Strip
"Two and a Half Men" - "What a Lovely...
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"Two and a Half Men" - "What a Lovely Landing Strip" - Dec. 5, 2011Walden is waiting in a cafe when a sassy black woman tries to take the other chair at his table. They tussle over it until Zoey arrives. She apologizes for being late but she's working on getting her daughter Ava into a prestigiou school, Bellwood, and she tests well but doesn't give a good interview. Walden inquires after her age. She's five. In any case, a whole week after their first date-- in which Zoey pointed out that Walden was still in love with Bridget-- he's decided to show her he's ready to move on. He's brought his final divorce papers and is going to sign them in front of her. Except he doesn't have a pen. He asks aloud in the cafe who does. No one answers. Guess who does? That's right, the sassy black lady he annoyed earlier. She doesn't want to part with it though. He offers her $100 for the pen and then suddenly everyone in the place has one.Later they smooch on the balcony at his house and Walden talks in a goofy British accent and makes her laugh. In between kisses and laughs he asks if she likes Mexican food. She does. He proposes taking her to Guadalajara over the weekend. She asks if that's the name of the restaurant. He points out that it's the name of an old city in Mexico and they can take his plane. She is incredulous that he has a plane but didn't have a pen. He points out you can borrow a pen much more easily than a plane. He then starts talking about Christmas plans and she tells him to hold his horses since he's on the rebound.While this is happening on the balcony Alan and Jake are watching TV in the other room reminiscing that it's just like old times when he and his dad watched TV and the good looking owner of the house was outside making out with a hot chick.Walden enters and rhapsodizes about Zoey, but Alan and Jake both tell him to slow it down just like Zoey did. He says he wants to be in a relationship with romance, intimacy, and commitment. Jake says he gets it, Walden is a chick. Alan points out that they're living in his house. He amends it and says he's a nice chick.On the plane to Mexico Walden has them wear sombreros, sip margaritas, and eat guacamole. She muses that this is all faintly ridiculous. She points out that she's not going to sleep with him. He says he's not trying to sleep with her. She wonders why not. He then gives her a ridiculous diamond necklace and she says it's crazy. And he asks what about giving a diamond necklace to a woman you haven't slept with yet while flying to Mexico in your private plane is crazy. Once he says this aloud he hears this. He then informs her that he knew some people on the board of the school that she was trying to get her daughter into and he pulled some strings and enrolled her. Zoey jumps into his lap, thanks him, starts kissing him and undressing him. The pilot says they are about to start their descent into Mexico. He tells the pilot to circle. She says Walden's about to descend into London. We cut to the outside of the plane and hear Walden tell her she has a lovely landing strip.The next day Walden tells Alan and Jake he may be falling in love. Just then Bridget arrives and says she can't sign the divorce papers, she loves him and wants him back. He hems and haws but she drags him up to bed and starts undressing him saying how much she wants him. When he's down to his boxers he sneaks off to get counsel from Alan.He works it out that Zoey feels like the future and Bridget the past, Alan tells him to go with his heart. When it sounds like he'd have to give away half his money to Bridget if they broke up Alan tells him the future is overrated and to go with Bridget. When Walden points out that this would be easy, he could just sell this house and move back in, Alan tells him he can't live his life in the past and to go with Zoey.Walden goes to break the news to Bridget, who is now in sexy lingerie in his bed. She is pissed. So much so that she storms out and then returns, in her car through the side of the house.Later as Zoey and Walden enjoy a date in his kitchen Bridget can be seen on the balcony spying on them through the door. She is confronted by Rose who asks if she wants Walden back or wants him to suffer? Bridget says she doesn't know. Rose says it's often the same thing and she can show Bridget what to do and to just follow her. She then leaps over the balcony railing. Bridget looks bewildered but then shrugs her shoulders and follows.
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21 November 2011
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
As Walden begins to finish his...
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As Walden begins to finish his renovation of Charlie's old house, Alan can still feel his presence. Walden meets a woman named Pauline Parker who claims to be Jake's teacher and Bridget still claims to love Walden even though they are now divorced.
Back at the house Walden suggests that Alan should have a last chance look at Charlie's bedroom before Walden makes it his. While taking a look Alan finds some old letters that gives him new insight into Charlie.
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14 November 2011
Frodo's Headshots
Upon his release from the hospital,...
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Upon his release from the hospital, Alan is met with a slew of challenges that test his ability to cope.
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07 November 2011
Thanks for the Intercourse
When Walden begins redecorating the...
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When Walden begins redecorating the beach house, Alan becomes overly emotional.
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31 October 2011
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
Jake has a crush on his chemistry...
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Jake has a crush on his chemistry tutor, who has a crush on Walden. Meanwhile, Alan obsesses over the journal his brother left him in his will.
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24 October 2011
The Squat and the Hover
Walden receives divorce papers from...
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Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her.
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17 October 2011
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
Alan struggles to come to terms with...
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Alan struggles to come to terms with Lyndsey's risqué movie past, and Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party at the house.
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01 January 1970
Episode #9.4
Trying to rebound from his recent...
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Trying to rebound from his recent separation, Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right, while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with Lyndsey.
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03 October 2011
Big Girls Don't Throw Food
Alan prepares Walden for a date with...
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Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.
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26 September 2011
People Who Love Peepholes
Judy Greer is introduced as Bridget,...
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Judy Greer is introduced as Bridget, Walden's ex-wife.
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19 September 2011
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
"Two and a Half Men" - "Nice to Meet...
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"Two and a Half Men" - "Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt" - Sept. 18, 2011We open on a casket at a funeral. Alan is giving a eulogy for Charlie, talking about how he lived life on his own terms and how much he gave to his friends and family.Many of his exes are in attendance, they all talk about the diseases he gave them: herpes, genital warts, and chlamydia. Also, his sexual proclivities.Evelyn basically tries to sell Charlie's house during the service as well.The casket is closed due to the "circumstances of his passing."We hear from the person who was with Charlie at the end: Rose. Crazy Rose from the early seasons. She says they ran away together to Paris and he asked her to marry him. She came home from shopping and found him with another woman. She says she forgave him but he accidentally fell in front of a Metro train the next day. She said he didn't feel pain: his body just exploded like a bag of meat. Jake notes that he is now hungry.Back at the house the gang reminisces. Berta says Charlie was a great boss and all he ever wanted was clean sheets and hosing the vomit off a drug-addled hooker.Alan wonders why they have to sell the house since Charlie left it to him. Evelyn points out that Alan can't make the mortgage payments. She says she can't afford to maintain her mortgage and his. She says Alan and Jake can come live with her.John Stamos comes to the open house. He realizes it's Charlie's house and can't stay because of bad memories: a threesome in which the girl passed out and he and Charlie kept going. Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson also drop by as Dharma and Greg. They are bickering, angry people now. (Best joke so far).Later in the evening Charlie's ashes arrive. Alan pulls out the urn and has a moment. He tells Charlie that he loved him and will miss him and is grateful that he took himself and Jake in. He reveals that Charlie wanted Pam Anderson to swallow his ashes. He decides to sprinkle them on the beach where pretty girls covered in oil will sit on him. But as he goes to take the urn he spies a wet, bearded man through the sliding glass doors and the ashes go everywhere as he shrieks.The man asks to use Alan's phone. He explains he was trying to drown himself but the water was too cold. He grabs the phone while Alan grabs a towel. He calls someone and says that he flung himself in the ocean because he can't live without them. The person won't take him back.Alan tries to counsel him saying he's been there: rejected, heartbroken, broke. The guy says he's not broke, he's a billionaire and he would give it all up for his wife, Bridget. He figures Alan has an okay life living in a beach house in Malibu. Alan says it's his dead brother's house and he's selling it. The guy apologizes for making Alan spill Charlie.Alan convinces the guy to go out for a drink and talk. His name is Walden Schmidt. He undresses so Alan can put his clothes in the dryer and hugs him. Alan notes his prodigious endowment.At the bar Alan asks about how he made his money. Bascially, Walden says he sold something to Microsoft. Alan mentions how well-hung Walden is. They proceed to get drunk and Walden explains that Bridget was his high school sweetheart. She said he was emotionally immature: like threatening suicide unless she took him back. Alan commiserates about his divorce. Alan tells him to try and meet someone new just for tonight like the women who just walked in. Walden asks what he should say. Alan says to try "hi." Walden tries that and then says "my wife dumped me and I want to die." She feels bad for him as he cries. Alan is disgusted that this works and then tries it on her friend.They bring the girls back to Alan's house. Walden wants to go back to his hotel but Alan says Charlie would be proud. Walden and the girls go upstairs, ditching Alan, which is depressingly familiar for him.The next morning Berta meets Walden and his impressive endowment. He tells Alan he had sex with two girls. Alan says he masturbated and cried himself to sleep. Walden says his night was better. He also likes his house so he's going to buy it. Alan thanks him. Walden hugs him as Jake and Judith walk in. Jake: "Whoa!" Judith:"I like him."
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14 February 2011
That Darn Priest
Rose uncovers Alan's Ponzi scheme and...
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Rose uncovers Alan's Ponzi scheme and Alan, in turn, meets "Manny," Rose's mannequin "husband." Meanwhile, Charlie is eager to get some alone time with Rose.
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07 February 2011
Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
While Charlie and Rose carry on their...
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While Charlie and Rose carry on their "affair," Alan's chiropractic business turns into a Ponzi scheme.
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17 January 2011
Lookin' for Japanese Subs
Charlie's obsession with the newly...
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Charlie's obsession with the newly "married" Rose leads him to stalk her. Meanwhile, Alan grows concerned when Jake and Eldridge start videotaping stupid and extremely dangerous stunts.
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13 December 2010
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
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22 November 2010
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
Charlie goes on a spending spree for...
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Charlie goes on a spending spree for his old fling, Courtney, who shows up after three years in prison for conning him out of money.
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15 November 2010
A Good Time in Central Africa
When Berta takes a couple of days...
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When Berta takes a couple of days off, Charlie falls for her replacement. Meanwhile, Alan believes he's being stalked by Lyndsey's ex-husband.
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08 November 2010
Springtime on a Stick
Charlie and Alan try to set up Evelyn...
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Charlie and Alan try to set up Evelyn with Russell, the pharmacist.
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04 October 2010
A Pudding-Filled Cactus
Alan moves in with Lyndsey but...
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Alan moves in with Lyndsey but continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house.
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27 September 2010
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
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20 September 2010
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
When Jake finds out that Alan has...
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When Jake finds out that Alan has been dating Eldridge's mom, he packs up and heads to Judith and Herb's. Meanwhile, Charlie decides it's time to cut back on boozing.
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17 May 2010
Gumby with a Pokey
Alan and Jake go on a road trip while...
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Alan and Jake go on a road trip while Charlie is visited by the ghosts of girlfriends past.
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10 May 2010
I Called Him Magoo
Alan tries for an intimate night at a...
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Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend, while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience."
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12 April 2010
Keith Moon Is Vomiting in his Grave
Jake's new friend, Eldridge, is a bad...
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Jake's new friend, Eldridge, is a bad influence but Alan really likes his hot mom.
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22 March 2010
Ixnay on the Oggie Day
Charlie has a return engagement with...
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Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend, while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient.
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08 March 2010
I Found Your Moustache
Charlie and Chelsea have a...
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Charlie and Chelsea have a post-breakup one-night stand.
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01 March 2010
Tinkle Like a Princess
Charlie runs off to Vegas and returns...
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Charlie runs off to Vegas and returns with a new wife, but she's not Chelsea.
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07 December 2009
Thats Why They Call It Ball Room
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12 October 2009
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
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05 October 2009
Mmm, Fish. Yum.
Jake tries to take advantage of every...
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Jake tries to take advantage of every opportunity to drive when he gets his learner's permit. Alan tries to deal with Judith's mother in an attempt to get closer to Judith's new baby. Chelsea's cat runs off after Charlie has an accident and takes it out on the cat.
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28 September 2009
Whipped Unto the Third Generation
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04 May 2009
Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
When Chelsea's lease is up, Charlie...
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When Chelsea's lease is up, Charlie reluctantly agrees that they should live together, but he has second thoughts about everything once the moving in process begins and Chelsea starts to nest, while the rest of the household has mixed reactions.
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09 February 2009
I'd Like to Start with the Cat
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02 February 2009
David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
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08 December 2008
He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
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24 March 2008
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
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05 November 2007
The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
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07 May 2007
Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
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05 February 2007
That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
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30 October 2006
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
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16 October 2006
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
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24 April 2006
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
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06 February 2006
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
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10 October 2005
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
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26 September 2005
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
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19 September 2005
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
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21 March 2005
A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
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14 February 2005
Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
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31 January 2005
Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
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13 December 2004
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
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15 November 2004
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
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08 November 2004
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
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25 October 2004
The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
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19 April 2004
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
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22 March 2004
I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
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23 February 2004
Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
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09 February 2004
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
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15 December 2003
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
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10 November 2003
Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
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03 November 2003
If They Do Go Either Way They're Usually Fake
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27 October 2003
Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
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20 October 2003
The Last Thing You Want to Do Is Wind Up with a Hump
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13 October 2003
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
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06 October 2003
Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
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