Jimmy Fallon arrives to host the Emmys in a tiny tiny Smart car. He's carrying his tux and runs into the Glee folk out front. They tell him they can't afford to go to the Emmys and an intro premise is born. They'll put on a fundraiser. They run into Tina Fey. She's in!They run into Kate Gosselin. Awkward pause. They tell her they've got too many people - and then go for more people. They run into Jon Hamm practicing his dance moves with his instructor - Betty White. Then Jane Lynch (Sue Sylvester from Glee) gives them a slushie in the face -- and wants in.Walk down the hall to Springsteen's "Born to Run" with Jorge Garcia (Hurley from Lost), Joel McHale and company singing. Tim Gunn arrives to put on the finishing touches.They take the stage in "Glee" red and black gear and Jimmy takes the mike doing his best Bruce. (It's not bad.) Randy Jackson joins him to jam. Hamm and Fey ham it up dancing. Big smiles from the audience.Out of breath, Jimmy starts his monologue, which quickly segues into him strumming a guitar. He's wearing tux top and jeans bottom."NBC asking the host of late night to come to Los Angeles to host a different show, what could possibly go wrong?" (Zing! Conan reference - cut to Conan, big cheers. Conan salutes.)Jimmy grabs Amy Poehler from the front row to sing.Jimmy: "The first category is comedy."Amy: "You're doing great so far...."Jimmy: "I've been drinking since three."Screens descend from the stage and we watch a montage of the nominees.Jon Hamm and Betty White are the first presenters. Hamm: "I may be only speaking for myself, but how about our sexual chemistry during that opening number?"White: "How about our sexual chemistry back in that quick change room?"(Awkward but enthusiastic randy-old-lady laughter.)The nominees for best supporting actor in a comedy series are introduced. The winner is... Eric Stonestreet from "Modern Family."He says all he wanted to be when he was a kid was a clown. (They cut to his co-star an on-screen boyfriend Jesse Tyler Ferguson in the audience and he's openly crying.) He gives a shout out to his mom in the audience and dad at home, telling them they get to keep the Emmy.John Hodgman introduces himself as our backstage color commentator.On stage, Jimmy explains the concept of having people submit intros for presenters via Twitter. The first two aren't exactly home runs. One says Jim Parsons of "The Big Bang Theory" is "bringing nerdy back" and Sofia Vergara of "Modern Family" is "beautiful."Somewhere Bruce Vlanch thinks his day job is safe.Jim introduces a bit that asks comedy writers when they first got a laugh. Christopher Lloyd and Steve Levitan of "Modern Family" do a take-off on the Old Spice commercial, on a horse. They also win."It is absolutely mind blowing to think that just two short years ago "Modern Family" was just an idea Chris and I had when we were out riding our horse...." Levitan begins. He thanks ABC and the cast and their spouses."I also want to thank our wives, without whom, well, we'd probably be dating around a lot."Stephen Colbert is up next and says hello to the ladies, and the women. He's presenting supporting actress in a comedy. He explains that he's not one of those guys who thinks gals can't be funny. Just look at John Travolta in "Hairspray," or Dustin Hoffman in "Tootsie," and don't forget Tom Hanks in "Bosom Buddies."Cut to Tom in the audience. Stephen says: "Madam, you still look lovely as ever. How do you keep your figure?" He introduces the nominees. The winner is... Jane Lynch.She thanks her parents for being so unintentionally hilarious. She raves about her ensemble and says she rarely identifies herself as anything, "I'm like a Buddhist in that way - although I'm not a Buddhist, they do seem like a very calm people," but she is an actor and feels compelled to do it. She thanks her "Lord and Creator Ryan Murphy."She throws out an "I love you" to her cast and wife.Lauren Graham and Matthew Perry are out next. (Jimmy's intro somehow involves Teddy Grahams.) They introduce guest actor and actress in a comedy series, awarded last week. Betty White won for "SNL" and Neil Patrick Harris for "Glee."On to directing in a comedy series. The winner is... Ryan Murphy for "Glee."He dedicates his award to all of his teachers, "who taught me to sing and finger paint."The "Modern Family" cast hearing pitches for how to improve their show from the new head of ABC. One involves a cross-racial adoption by Cam of Stewie from "Family Guy," Sofia Vergara in 3D, the next are worth finding on YouTube... including one that has Julie Bowen saying she was sad when a tree fell on Phil and killed him, but when his brother showed up at the funeral....pan over to the brother... George Clooney, sitting on a couch with Julie Bowen. The cast runs with the idea, cut to George with Sofia Vergara. Then with Eric and Jesse.Next up, best actor in a comedy series. The winner is... Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory."He thanks his costars, director, writers and production studio.Last year's host Neil Patrick Harris takes a moment to thank the Academy for allowing a gay man to host the show two years in a row. He tells Jimmy he's doing a great job.NPH introduces the best actress in a comedy nominees. The winner is...Edie Falco for "Nurse Jackie.""This is just the most ridiculous thing that has ever happened in the history of this lovely awards show. I'm not funny!"Back to Jimmy in the audience with a guitar and a Kardashian. They introduce reality TV and some highlights.Will Arnett and Keri Russell, stars of "Running Wilde," present best reality show. But first, Will reads some prose from a piece of paper: "My Favorite Part of a Woman,' by Will Arnett. 'Oh luscious mounds...'"Keri tells him they cut that part.They introduce the nominees. And the winner is... "Top Chef"! The first time "Amazing Race" hasn't won since the category was created. Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons are there with the producers.Back to Jimmy and the guitar.Jimmy: "I cry sometimes when I watch these shows."Julianna Marguiles: "I cried when they announced you as the host."Slap fight leading into the drama category. Roll clips. Cheers for 24, Lost...Jimmy introduces Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni: "Earlier, these stars of Law & Order: SVU teamed up to save the most special victim of all: the 10 p.m. time slot on NBC."The introduce writing for a drama series. The winner is: Matthew Weiner and Erin Levy for "Mad Men."Erin thanks her dad who was also a writer and says she also has to really thank Matt. He agrees that she does.On to best supporting actor in a drama, which includes the last shot for Losties Terry O'Quinn and Michael Emerson. The winner is: Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad."He marvels at the size of the audience, thanks the voters, his show creator and co-star Bryan Cranston.Back to Jimmy and the Tweets, including one from @SamuelLPaxton who says presenter Nathan Fillion is "straight off the meat rack, yo."He introduces supporting actress in a drama. The winner is Archie Punjabi from "The Good Wife."She thanks everyone with the network and show in her native London accent. "To everyone who voted for me, this is just amazing for my career, thank you so very much."Edie Falco is back out to introduce best actor in a drama. The winner is... Bryan Cranston of "Breaking Bad." (A total shut out for the men of "Lost" in the acting category.) It's Cranston's third win.He tells his fellow nominees he's honored to be mentioned with them. He shouts out to his wife and daughter, "I love you more than baseball."The Emmy Show Clock shows us we're running 2 minutes over. The stars of NBC's new "Undercovers" introduce the nominees for guest actor and actress in a drama series. The winners were John Lithgow for "Dexter" and Ann-Margaret for "Law & Order: SVU."They're up to hand out the next award. (Yes, Ann-Margret still looks amazing.)
They're presenting outstanding directing for a drama series. The winner is...Steve Shill for "Dexter," giving Lithgow to correct thanking HBO instead of Showtime when he won his guest Emmy.The Emmy ticker tells us George Clooney will be up in 17 minutes.And now, a musical tribute to three shows we lost this year. Jimmy sits on the stage at a pink piano in full Elton John gear and croons good-bye to "24" to the tune of "Candle in the Wind."Sample lyric: "I would like to thank you for all the torturing/ and Jack and Chloe and CTU/and the first black president."Then on to Boyz II Men's "Hard to Say Goodbye" for "Law & Order," and Green Day and "Time of Your Life" for "Lost": "The island was mythical, but in the end they died/I didn't understand it but I tried."Tina Fey and Matthew Morrison introduce best actress in a drama.Matthew: "This year's outstanding nominees for best actress in a drama all have one thing in common, they are..."He says "beautiful" as Tina says "terrifying," then corrects herself for laughs.The winner is Kyra Sedgwick. She kisses Kevin Bacon and takes the stage. It's her first Emmy. She asks Tina to hold her Emmy so she can read from her notes. She thanks TNT and the crew, the cast and quotes Kevin saying "Let's all be good to each other.'Back on the guitar in the audience.Jimmy: "The people in this category are funny and talented."Stephen Colbert: "It's an honor to get nominated, just like Jimmy Fallon did."Jimmy: "Stephen, I wasn't nominated."Stephen: "It's still an honor."Jimmy: "I wouldn't know."Stephen: "Trust me."Variety. Roll clips of Dave, Jon Stewart and a good amount of Conan, the Olympics, Haiti Telethon, etc...Joel McHale and Jeff Probst introduce writing for a variety special."Writers is good. Them makes we two look good spoken," McHale says.The Emmy goes to the 63rd Annual Tony Awards. Dave Boone thanks NPH for hosting.The ticker tells us we're 4 1/2 minutes from Ricky Gervais.Jimmy introduces him: "I used to think this next guy was a fat, rude, loudmouth Brit. But now, he's lost a bit of weight.""I'm saving the really offensive stuff for the Golden Globes," Ricky says. He riffs on the lack of alcohol and says there's no one scary here, like Mel Gibson. He stops himself, saying he's not going to have a go at him. "He's been through a lot... not as much as the Jews."Then he asks who wants a beer and has waiters bring out beers on trays for people in the front row. "The Office is in syndication, those are on me."Directing for Variety is next. Ricky says he hopes the winner is Bucky Gunts (for the Olympics) "because I didn't know you could say that on television... let's face it, we're all Bucky Gunts here..."Ricky introduces the winner: Bucky Gunts!Then, on to outstanding variety, music or comedy series, the noteworthy nominee here being "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien."And the winner is..."The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," who isn't there, but not because he's appearing on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew," the producer tells us.The CEO of the Academy comes out to introduce the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award, going this year to George Clooney, only the fourth time it has been given. His "ER" costar Julianna Marguiles introduces him, saying he was a driving force behind "America: A Concert for Heroes," "Tsunami Aid: A Concert of Hope" and "Hope for Haiti Now."He comes out to standing ovation, over his objections. "Don't do that because then I feel like maybe I'm sick and don't know it," he says. He says Bob was a friend of his aunt Rosemary Clooney and represents the best version of celebrity. "It's important to remember how much can get done, because we live in such strange times where bad behavior sucks up all the attention in the press."He makes a plea for attention to stay on disasters even after the cameras have gone.More Jimmy with a guitar. He kneels next to Hanks.Jimmy: "The Pacific nominated for two dozen awards/ better break the news to Spielberg, you're running out of wars. Mini-series and movies!"Clips roll.January Jones and John Krasinski introduce supporting actor in a miniseries or movie. The winner is Julia Ormand for "Temple Grandin.""I got so thrilled an excited I told my mom I was 'emanated' for a 'Nomy'," she says.Claire Danes is up next to present supporting actor in a mini-series or movie. The winner is David Strathairn, who co-stared with Danes in "Temple Grandin."He raves about teachers and Temple Grandin and we see her waving in the audience.Then on to Jewel, who tells us she wrote the song "Shape of You" for a friend who passed away from cancer. It's the Memoriam segment, including Art Linkletter, Soupy Sales, Jean Simmons, Peter Graves, Robert Culp, Corey Haim, Andrew Koenig, Gary Coleman, Rue McClanahan, Captain Phil Harris, Dixie Carter, Lynn Redgrave, Lena Horne, Dennis Hopper.Maury Tierney and Blair Underwood present writing for mini-series or movie. The Emmy goes to Adam Mazer for "You Don't Know Jack."He urges people to talking about the end of life debate. "Jack Kevorkian, I'm so glad you're my friend, but I'm even more grateful you're not my physician."Then lead actress in a mini-series or movie. The winner is Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."She thanks HBO and Temple, who cheerfully stands up and waves again from the audience.Welcome the cast of "True Blood." It's apparently getting late in the show, Jimmy introduces them, saying they really "suck."But the intro bit runs with it.Stephen Moyer: "By an obscure and ancient Emmy bylaw we are now required to make at least one vampire pun while presenting the next award."Alexander Skarsgard: "Stephen, don't - this is going to be quite painful. Allow me: It is now our bloody thrill-Moyer: "Brilliant."Skarsgard: "It was worse than I thought - to present the next award for outstanding directing for a miniseries or movie."The winner is: Mick Jackson for Temple Grandin.Back to the vamps. Skarsgard thanks Ricky Gervais for the non-alcoholic beer.They introduce best actor for mini-series or movie. The winner is: Al Pacino for "You Don't Know Jack."He says it was a pleasure to know Kevorkian (who is in the audience). He thanks everyone and doesn't get played off stage because, well, he's Al Pacino.Laurence Fishburne introduces the nominees for outstanding miniseries. The winner is "The Pacific." Tom Hanks accepts and thanks HBO.The award for made-for-tv-movie goes to "Temple Grandin."The executive producer gets bear-hugged by her autistic subject mid-speech.Jimmy tells us there are two awards left. "You know the next presenter from the hit series "Magnum PI," but I know him as...my real father. Tom Selleck, everybody. Dad, come on out!"Jimmy hugs a startled Selleck to fully sell the bit. He introduces the best drama nominees. "Mad Men" wins its third in a row."So where was I?" Matt Weiner begins as he picks up his writer speech where he got cut off.
He thanks the cast and AMC and wraps up quickly.Ted Danson is out to wrap things up with the nominees for best comedy series. The winner is: Modern Family. (The camera manages not to cut immediately to Tina Fey.)Steven Levitan thanks his amazing cast "who makes us forget how much we hate writing, every day." He thanks their writing staff. "Chris and I get so much credit for what is often their amazing work and I just want to say: that's Hollywood, dude."And there you have it. Jimmy wraps up, popping champagne and shouting, "After-party at Betty White's house!"