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Crossed Examined Life
Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel......
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Live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel... host Ricky Gervais takes the stage. His beer (presumably Fosters) is already waiting for him. The over-under on the amount of time it takes him to make a Charlie Sheen joke is 30 seconds."It's going to be a night of partying and heavy-drinking," Gervais says by way of welcome. "Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: 'breakfast.'"The under wins.On to a "Tourist" joke. He quashes the rumor that the only reason it was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. "They also accepted bribes," he says.He gets bleeped for "for Christ's sake."He mentions "I Love You Phillip Morris" wasn't nominated. "Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists," he zings. As the guests in the room look around and wince, Gervais assures them the hypothetical actors in question aren't in the room.
"My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke."There's a Hugh Hefner is old joke, and some unfortunate pantomime.He senses light laughter and gets right to presenting.Scarlett Johansson is up first to give out best support actor in a movie, to Christian Bale for "The Fighter." Hopefully no one steps in his line of sight as he makes it to the podium, you know how he hates that.Bale acknowledges he didn't used to know who the HFPA was. "And now I know who you are and I suddenly realize how wise and spectacularly perceptive you guys are," he jokes.He gets played off the stage and the mike cuts out as he's trying to acknowledge Robert De Niro.LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are out next for best actress in a drama TV series, which goes to Katey Sagal for "Sons of Anarchy."She thanks her costars and FX execs and her manager of 30 years. She gets cut off just as she's thanking the show's exec producer, and her husband, Kurt Sutter.Julianne Moore and Kevin Spacey acknowledge Miss Golden Globe, Joe Mantenga's daughter, Gia. They present mini-series or TV movie, to "Carlos".The people who assigned the seats are batting o-fer on winners, as people keep having to make the long trek from their seats in Siberia in the back of the auditorium.Whoever is accepting for "Carlos" gets played off as well, but seems to think the music is just mood and not a cue to shut up.Ricky Gervais waits as the whole crew try to make their way off the stage. He introduces the next presenter as the star of Hudson Hawk, Hart's War and Mercury Rising and as Ashton Kutcher's dad: Bruce Willis.He's there to introduce comedy nominee "RED."Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester present next, but nobody hears what they're saying because Meester's dress has a slit that goes higher than the voice of the winner: Chris Colfer from "Glee."He's barely putting words together as he gets on stage and thanks the show creator Ryan Murphy, his "fairy godfather."He dedicates the win to his costars, "but most importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people because of who they are....well, screw that, kids."Next up is Michelle Pfeiffer to present best picture nominee "Alice in Wonderland."Phillip Burke, the president of the HFPA, comes out and congratulates everyone on their congratulating.Milla Jovovich and Kevin Bacon present best actor in a TV drama to Steve Buscemi for "Boardwalk Empire."He pulls out his notes and promises to talk fast "before that sad music comes on."
He thanks HBO and his costars and his family.On to best TV series drama, which goes to "Boardwalk Empire."
Terrence Winter opens with "holy effing crap."Mark Wahlberg takes the stage. Fun fact: he's an exec producer on the show. Winter wraps up: "To my family and friends back in Brooklyn: I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with Al Pacino either."Andrew Garfield presents "The Social Network" but gets totally tangled on the word "inspiringly" because, well, it's not a word.Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez are next and introduce best original song after he awkwardly talks about her dress and makes a "Ski Party" joke. Uh, sure."You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" from "Burlesque" wins and Diane Warren and thanks Cher for being "the eternal bada--- you always are."Next is best original score, which even Alec Baldwin seems bored by. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross win for "The Social Network."Trent Reznor thanks the people on the movie and doesn't look the least bit like a hard core rocker with his reasonable length hair and tux.And then, it's time for Justin Bieber and Hailee Steinfeld, the girl from "True Grit" (yes, she's taller than him). They introduce best animated movie. The winner is "Toy Story 3". (Cut to Tom Hanks and, inexplicably, Jennifer Love Hewitt.)The director Lee Unkrich accepts, acknowledging the presenters and asking if they were even born when the first one came out.Gervais is on to drinking wine introduces the next star as from Ironman, then wonders if it's a porn title. He continues with "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and "Bowfinger" to make his point, then says he's also from Betty Ford and the Los Angeles county jail.Robert Downey Jr. comes out and not only takes the jab in stride, but gamely jabs back."Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister overtones, I'd say the vibe of the show is pretty good so far," he says.He moves on to his intro."I don't think an actress can say she's done her best work... until she's slept with me, Julianne." Cut to Julianne Moore. Then Anne Hathaway, Annette Bening, Emma Stone and Angelina Jolie, the nominees for best actress in a comedy.Downey continues, saying that somehow the women did their best work without him."I guess I'm just saying, if I could, I'd give it to all five of you," he wraps up, pointedly. Maybe he'll want to host next year.Annette Bening wins for "The Kids are All Right" and the camera immediately cuts to Jane Lynch, who recently married her girlfriend.Bening thanks Julianne Moore, her costar, for asking her to make the movie. She thanks the 1962 Golden Globe winner for "Most Promising Actor," her husband Warren Beatty.Ricky Gervais is back out, saying the next presenter has been in ten of the top grossing movies of all time.
"He has played a boxer...and Rambo."Sylvester Stallone presents "The Fighter".Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are next presenting best actor for mini-series or TV movie. Al Pacino wins for "You Don't Know Jack."Al Pacino and his four-inch high brown hair take the stage and he rhapsodizes about the joy of playing a real person. He appears to be about half the size of Tilda Swinton, even with the hair.The music does not play him off. You don't play Al Pacino off.Then for actress in a mini-series or TV movie. We learn why Jennifer Love Hewitt is there: she's nominated for the Lifetime movie "The Client List."But she loses to Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin."Next is Zac Efron to introduce "The Kids Are Alright."Ricky Gervais comes out next, introducing the next actor as one he cast in his show, "he's now leaving that show and killing a cash cow for both of us... please welcome the ungrateful Steve Carrell."He and Tina Fey introduce the nominees for best screenplay. "Screenplays we could have written, if we had time," Fey says.That one about the rock climber that, Carrell says, he would have given his right arm to write. Har.Aaron Sorkin wins for "The Social Network."
He says the people at Sony believe "people who watch movies are at least as smart as the people who make them."The table applauds Scott Rudin as the "best living producer."He commends David Fincher for making scenes of typing look like bank robberies.Next is supporting actress for TV. Jane Lynch wins, she hugs Sofia Vergara almost immediately."I am nothing if not falsely humble," she says, and acknowledges "Glee" writer Ian Brennan for writing Sue's "deranged" lines.More Ricky, who introduces the next category as one "no one in America cares about." Foreign films!"In a Better World" from Denmark wins. Smugly check that off on your Golden Globe ballot if you guessed it right.Helen Mirren is up next to introduce "The King's Speech."Blair Underwood and Vanessa Williams presents best actress in a TV series, which goes to Laura Linney from "The Big C." She's not there to accept.Jane Fonda introduces "Burlesque."Next, best actor for TV. Kaley Cuoco (and her impossibly long hair extensions) announce her costar Jim Parsons as the winner.He thanks "my writers" then catches himself, saying "the writers - 'my writers,' how crass."Jeremy Irons introduces the nominees for best supporting actress in a movie. As they cut to Helena Bonham Carter we see she's wearing a tumbleweed on her head. That's some hairdo.Melissa Leo wins for "The Fighter" and thanks anyone she can think of.Matt Damon is up to present the Cecil B. Moore award to Robert De Niro, who he says he hadn't heard of until about five years ago when he was in "The Good Shepherd."He quotes from "The Godfather" - doing the Fredo part. And then "GoodFellas" - the Joe Pesci lines."And who could forget 'Taxi Driver' where he was literally unrecognizable as a blonde 13 year old hooker?" Damon jokes, before a montage of De Niro - including "Analyze That."Then Bobby D takes the stage and the crowd stands and applauds - and he lets them."Thank you, Matt - and I loved you in 'The Fighter'," he says.To the HFPA: "I was very gratified when you made the announcement two months ago - well before you had a chance to review 'Little Fockers,'" he says.He says some of his movies were missing from the montage, but the punchline is censored.He says he's releasing some of his movies on DVD for people who may have missed them "I'll be selling them in the lobby right after I pose for more pictures with the remaining members of the Hollywood Foreign Press."He gets another standing O when he leaves.Then it's Megan Fox to introduce "The Tourist."Annette Bening introduces best director. David Fincher wins for "The Social Network".He reads his acceptance speech, thanking the crew "without whom I'd just be a bitter old man with a lot of opinions."Jimmy Fallon and January Jones present best TV comedy to "Glee." We hear their rendition of Journey for the third time.Ryan Murphy thanks people as the entire cast and crew takes the stage. His acceptance speech takes less time than their entrance.Alicia Keys introduces "The Black Swan".Next, Halle Berry introduces best actor in a comedy, in which Johnny Depp is nominated twice. Paul Giamatti wins for "Barney's Version.""I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates," he says.
He thanks his three movie wives, and says he got to "smoke and drink and" something that gets censored.Joseph Gordon Levitt gets up and quotes Betty Davis in introducing "Inception."Jeff Bridges strides on stage next and introduces the nominees for best actress in a drama. The winner is Natalie Portman, who pregnantly takes the stage and thanks her grandmother in Cincinnati and parents, who are in the audience.She mentions her fiance Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed the movie and had a line, saying he didn't want to sleep with Natalie's character."He's the best actor, it's not true! He totally wants to sleep with me," she says.Ricky Gervais introduces the next two presenters as a man whose movies have made $3.5 billion and he's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes... and Tim Allen.He and Tom Hanks introduce the nominees for best comedy."We remember when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, kind comedian," Tom Hanks says.
"Neither of which he is now," concludes Allen.The winner is "The Kids Are Alright".Sandra Bullock introduces the nominees for best actor in a drama. Colin Firth wins for "The King's Speech".He thanks the HFPA for the mid-life reassurance. "Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson."He calls director Tom Hooper and his costar Geoffrey Rush the two other sides of his "man love triangle."Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation as he comes out to announce the final award of the evening. "There's just gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation," he says.Onto the nominees for best picture (drama). "The Social Network" wins. (Insert status update joke here.)Producer Scott Rudin accepts. Kevin Spacey is among the crowd on the stage, as a producer.
He thanks Mark Zuckerberg for allowing them to tell a story about social networking through his life.Ricky Gervais comes out to say good night. "Thanks everyone in the room for being good sports," he says, even though they weren't.Finally: "Thank you to God - for making me an atheist."
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25 January 2010
I Know What You Did Last Semester
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26 October 2009
The Wish-Pretzel
Rusty and Casey stay on campus over...
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Rusty and Casey stay on campus over the Thanksgiving break when their parents decide to spend the holiday in Maui. Cappie finds himself pulled in different directions when Rusty, Evan, and the Kappa Taus all want him to spend Thanksgiving with them. When Rusty finds new inspiration for his science project, he and Dale are in direct competition for a prestigious undergraduate grant.
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19 October 2009
Fight the Power
The Zeta Beta Zeta girls are feeling...
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The Zeta Beta Zeta girls are feeling mutinous over their slipping house ranking. To raise morale, Ashleigh tries to orchestrate a mixer with the Omega Chi house. Evan agrees, but finds that his fraternity brothers are unwilling to go along with the plan after he admits that he has given up his trust fund and is now broke. With the Omega Chi house divided on key issues, Calvin and Grant find themselves on opposing sides, especially after Grant reneges on his agreeing to come out to the fraternity about his sexuality and relationship with Calvin. Elsewhere, as Rusty's admiration for Alana grows, Cappie discovers that Lana is not the woman he wants. Rusty mistakes Cappie's distance for fear rather than disinterest and tries to reconcile the couple. Finally, Ashleigh resorts to bribery to get other houses to agree to the mixer that she feels will repair the ZBZ house social status, with disastrous results.
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07 September 2009
Our Fathers
ZBZ is having their Daddy-Daughter...
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ZBZ is having their Daddy-Daughter weekend and tensions run high between both the dads and the sisters when Ashleigh discovers what happened between Rebecca and Fisher and how Casey hides it. Meanwhile Rusty meets Jordan's father for the first time and things don't go as planned.
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04 May 2009
"Greek" Dearly Beloved
When Casey's alumni sister Kiki,...
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When Casey's alumni sister Kiki, announces that she is getting married, all the Zeta Beta Zeta girls are invited. Amidst all the wedding frenzy, Max decides it's time to take his relationship with Casey to the next level and decides to propose marriage. Meanwhile, with Andy out of town, Jordan ends up dragging Rusty around town to help her pick up the flowers for Kiki's wedding. When the two discover that the order was never placed, they have to come up with a plan of action which leads to an unexpected common bond. Elsewhere, Rebecca soon finds herself in new territory as she kisses Ashleigh's openly gay big sister, Robin, in one of the bachelorette party drinking game which sparks Rebecca's curiosity in the same sex.
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13 April 2009
"Greek" Engendered Species
When Casey discovers that she and...
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When Casey discovers that she and Cappie are in the same class, she decides that Max and Cappie should get to know each other. Rusty falls for a transfer student named Jordan, but Andy puts the moves on her before Rusty can work up the nerve. Ashleigh hires a new hasher named Fisher who attracts all the single girls of the ZBZ house.
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30 March 2009
"Greek" Take Me Home, Cyprus Rhodes
Rusty struggles to adapt to life in a...
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Rusty struggles to adapt to life in a fraternity house. Casey has trouble telling Ashleigh that she plans to move out of the ZBZ house. Frannie attempts to legitimize a new sorority. Max tells Rusty that he turned down his graduate school of choice to stay near Casey. Dale cannot adjust to having a new roommate. Calvin and Evan try to recruit a desirable freshman, but he seems more interested in the Kappa Tau house.
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28 October 2008
Hell Week
During Hell Week, Rusty seems to take...
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During Hell Week, Rusty seems to take the brunt of Cappie's torture. On the other end of the spectrum, Evan gives Calvin special treatment in going especially easy on him. Rusty attempts a dangerous stunt to prove that he is worthy of the Kappa Tau house. Elsewhere, Max is off to grad school in California and a summer internship offered to Casey means that the couple will not be able to spend any time together before Max moves. Rebecca wants to reach out to Casey, but Casey is oblivious. Lauren Conrad appears in a dream to advise Casey on her future.
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21 October 2008
Three's a Crowd
Rusty discovers a secret regarding...
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Rusty discovers a secret regarding Dale's BFF and needs to decide whether or not he should tell him. Ashleigh struggles to make presidential decisions for the good of the house while keeping the peace between her sisters, namely Casey and Frannie. Cappie holds a 70s-themed party for the Kappa Taus, on a mission to 'create' a threesome.
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30 September 2008
See You Next Time, Sisters!
With Lizzie still acting as their...
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With Lizzie still acting as their chaperon, Casey, Frannie and Ashleigh go to the Zeta Beta Zeta national convention. Frannie hopes to overturn a national bylaw that threatens to keep her from another bid at ZBZ presidency. With Frannie out of town, Evan openly flirts with another girl, causing Calvin some discomfort as he questions his own morals. Max rents the Kappa Tau house to throw a party for the engineering students. The KT brothers are on board with the plan as the funds raised can help them fix fire code violations for which they were recently cited.
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16 September 2008
Gays, Ghosts, and Gamma Rays
Rusty and the pledges study for...
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Rusty and the pledges study for their, know your brother, tests for KT. While collecting information Rusty comes across a mysterious KT and investigates.Calvin is nervous as his new boyfriend forces him to explore gay life, including his first visit to a gay club where he meets an old friend
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09 September 2008
Let's Make a Deal
Hoping that they can easily win money...
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Hoping that they can easily win money at their casino night party, Casey and Ashleigh solicit help from Max and Rusty to learn to count cards. Cappie also plans to win because he needs a new car. Evan struggles with his ideals when he discovers that his trust fund only pays out if he follows the career path chosen for him by his parents. Rebecca questions whether she can have a serious relationship with Cappie.
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02 September 2008
Crush Landing
ZBZ throws an awesome crush party,...
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ZBZ throws an awesome crush party, whilst Ashleigh discovers that the "hotness monster" goes to Cyprus-Rhodes. Casey is in "processing" with Franny over Evan. Rusty feels that he has lost interest in polymer-science and Rebecca needs Cappie more than she has ever needed, when she finds that her parents are to divorce.
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26 August 2008
Brothers & Sisters
Spring semester begins with the...
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Spring semester begins with the annual Greek Week competition. Rebecca continues to lash out and damage her relationships with her sisters in the ZBZ house. In the interest of preserving their friendship, Rusty and Calvin try to remain neutral despite belonging to rival fraternities.
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02 June 2008
Barely Legal
While Evan's academical example is...
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While Evan's academical example is followed with difficulty by Casey, Cappie teaches Rusty's pledge class the art of fake ID use. Neither guesses how far it will lead Rusty astray as the second coming of missing rock musician Chad Stewart. Casey learns about excellent tutor Evan's true feelings and starts realizing her 'calling' to the law is flimsy.
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26 May 2008
A Tale of Two Parties
When Omega Chi has a party to...
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When Omega Chi has a party to celebrate Evan's saving them from the new restrictions Cappie decides Kappa Tau must have a competing party but they are broke. Casey makes Rebecca the Sober Sister to keep here from going to Cappie's party instead. Rusty must decide how to break up with Tina when he decides a sex only relationship is not all he wants. Evan makes Calvin keep other guys from Casey. Calvin's new boyfriend seems hesitant.
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19 May 2008
No Campus for Old Rules
The dean's restrictions on Greek life...
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The dean's restrictions on Greek life weigh heavy. The Kappa's finally win the basketball final first row tickets raffle, only to hear that liaison Evan allowed the Dean to scrap this best opportunity to embarrass themselves on national TV. Dale and Tina's prudish bunch opposes any Greek privilege on principle. Casey bends the rules for her buddy Ashley, Rebecca and Franny won't tolerate that. The dean calls the board to decide on abolishing the restrictions or render them permanent, Cappie and Dale may make key addresses, but invoking the 2 minutes time rule means it really depends on Evan.
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12 May 2008
Mr. Purr-fect
The sorority's tradition is that the...
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The sorority's tradition is that the members each coach a frat in a multi-event tournament. Casey, Rebecca and Fran's rivaling ambitions make them push 'their' poor boys inhumanly. When Rusty is designated her 'personal coaching assistant', i.e. utter slave and constant abuse target, an unwritten 'boys code' is invoked to stop from protesting at Cappie's girlfriend's misbehavior. Yet Cappie has his own thoughts.
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05 May 2008
47 Hours and 11 Minutes
Parents Weekend inspires the brothers...
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Parents Weekend inspires the brothers in the normally lackadaisical Kappa Tau house to clean up their acts, but Casey intends to show her judgmental parents how the KTs really live. Rebecca tries to paint Cappie in a bad light in the hopes of raising her father's ire. Dale is happy to host his parents, with whom he is especially close.
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28 April 2008
Move On. Cartwrights
Casey and Evan has trouble...
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Casey and Evan has trouble normalizing relations between Omega Chi and Zeta Beta. Rebecca has trouble taking care Cappie during his illness like Casey did. Rusty has trouble keeping his new girl interested while Dale wants his new girl to back off.
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14 April 2008
War and Peace
Rusty realizes the Kappa-Omega feud's...
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Rusty realizes the Kappa-Omega feud's escalation is because of Cappie and Evan's personal hatred getting out of hand, likely to cause the dean to come down on all Greeks in the end. Still his own side dismisses him, despite unwanted campus police attention. The Omega's, and even his personal friend, turns on him mercilessly. The Zetas face a dilemma: Lizzi will only lift her rule of petty terror if 'lost sister' Frannie is welcomed back, which Casey considers is even worse for her and the sorority.
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07 April 2008
Highway to the Discomfort Zone
Cappie tells Casey about him dating...
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Cappie tells Casey about him dating Rebecca and he will be her date for the big sister little sister double. Casey finds a great date be he turns out not to be what he appears. Rusty hopes the pledge project will bond him with the other pledges but they have other ideas. Dale offers to make Calvin straight
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24 March 2008
A New Normal
Upon a return to school the Greeks...
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Upon a return to school the Greeks face a new list of rules. Casey, now president of the Zetas, must deal with the aftermath of the article as well as the visit from a national representative. Rusty is still trying to get over his break-up. The Zetas face ridicule at a school carnival.
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10 September 2007
Black & White and Read All Over
Dean Bowman announces the college is...
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Dean Bowman announces the college is going to restrict 'immoral' Greek life next season after an insider story reveals some of its sordid secrets. Zeta Beta president Frannie Morgan vows to find and expose the 'traitor', but as Casey fears it's one of their own, albeit not prime suspect Rebecca. To Rusty's shock the undercover reporter was his own lover Jen K., but should loyalty prevail over the love he still feels for her, while Casey forgave Evan? The scandal causes the national chapter to send ruthless trouble shooter Tegan Walker, who demands public sacrifices. Cappie incarnates indomitably unrepentant party-spirit.
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27 August 2007
Separation Anxiety
Rusty braves Cappie's warning that...
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Rusty braves Cappie's warning that 'love is a female ploy' and declares his love to Jen K. Getting a mere 'thank you' he's down enough to be dragged to a strip club. Heath was neglected once too often, so he followed another mate there. Cappie turns out to be a regular and even has his own pole act, but also gets drunk enough to confess his own love story tragedy; Rusty reconsiders. A sorority-Bible Club collaboration to please national HQ leads to Dale chasing Casey out of character.
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20 August 2007
Multiple Choice
Evan Chambers decides to pass to the...
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Evan Chambers decides to pass to the first stage of engagement, offering his letters to Casey. However her ex, Cappie, 'mysteriously' gets himself assigned as her partner to write a mythological paper, in which he confirms his academic - and boyfriend potential. Rusty was confidently prepared for his exam, but after Dr. Milton Hastings adds five chapters during an 'optional recap class' he reconsiders his no cheating-policy. Ashley's gorgeous Ivy League boyfriend Travis is declared undesirable after venting his disdain for the empty-headed 'Greek' system.
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13 August 2007
Friday Night Frights
It's a stormy night, even the Greek...
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It's a stormy night, even the Greek students stay in. For the Kappa's that's no problem, partying being their forte, except that Cappie is in a rare non-dating mood. It gets interesting when a foxy girl turns up and seems obsessed with him, and Rusty fears she may be the escaped mental asylum patient reported on the radio, but next finds out that she knew his big brother. Evan is trapped in the Omega frat house with his closest-pledge and a rodent. Logan senses rival Casey's girlish Zeta bonding 'fun night' is an early electoral ploy, so she sabotages it, playing on the legend of 'ghost' Virginia, which gets out of hand after a Ouija board sйance.
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06 August 2007
Liquid Courage
When Evan's posh, rich parents visit,...
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When Evan's posh, rich parents visit, he successfully prepares Casey to please the 'industrial aristocrats'. Yet he's forced to ask for her restaurant seat back when they learn about the wicked senator's daughter, a networking opportunity outweighing the silver spoon boy's fancy, and she finds out. Cappie expects another Kappa Tau triumph at the annual unrivaled Vesuvius party, but new campus cop, Huck, demands a noise permit he can only get by charming a nasty 'old' staff hag Gladys. Furthermore the volcano machinery is broken, and volunteer repairer Rusty's confidence subsides as the 'manual' is filled with hopeless drivel. Also a mystery girl admirer gave him a basket. Roomie Dale wants Rusty to join the protest against the science departments failure to put a climate device there for them to use, but Rusty puts the two problems together - the solution or a third one?
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30 July 2007
Picking Teams
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27 July 2007
The Rusty Nail
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09 July 2007
Pilot
Rusty arrives on campus his freshman...
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Rusty arrives on campus his freshman year determined to make it better than high school. Much to the dismay of his sister Sorority Girl Casey he is going to join a fraternity. It comes down to 2 choices: Omega Chi the best fraternity on campus led by Casey's boyfriend Evan or Kappa Tau the "animal house" of Cyprus-Rhodes university led by Cappie (Casey's Ex). He wants to be an Omega Chi but to do so he must not tell his sister about catching Evan cheating.
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